Why Can't I Fight It?
by Only Yuri
Summary: Strange feelings are burning inside Motoko...she needs to find the one answer...the one PERSON that will help her...* shoujo-ai *
1. A Strange Dream...

My first LOVE HINA fic ~ Motoko/Kikuko shoujo-ai

ENJOY!

Motoko's thoughts

*Kitsune's thoughts*

**Shinobu's thoughts**

Chapter I

A peach-colored petal shed a small drop of rain, allowing it to fall to the small puddle beneath it.  Motoko's face became obscured by the ripples and she straightened up slowly, fully aware that one of the girls was holding an umbrella for her.  But the hard rain had stopped hours ago, and only a slight drizzle covered the area now.  Motoko thought the drizzle was a refreshing way to begin the late afternoon.  If only the clouds would let up… she mused.  She stopped when she heard someone shouting her name faintly.  With a closer look, she saw that it was Shinobu running, looking around frantically.

"Motoko-chan!"

Motoko smiled at the girl holding the umbrella.  A blush spread across the young, pale face.

"It's ok, I think I can walk home alone now…"

"But, Motoko-sempai…"

"Go on…" She gingerly stepped out of the protection of the umbrella and walked forward.  Of course, the girl decided she was in danger of the light rain and stepped forward.

"I'll be fine…really." To prove her point, Motoko walked forward again to greet Shinobu.  But when she turned, the girl was already gone.

"Motoko-chan! Everyone was worried! Where have you been?"

"Anooo…just around."

"Time to come back?"

Motoko took one last look at the flower and nodded, "Hai."

~*~

A welcome draft of warm air surrounded her when she entered Hinata-Sou.  Everything was as she left it that morning.  While on vacation, no one had anything to do.  Kitsune drowsed in a chair, and Naru was glaring at Keitaro at opposite ends of a couch.  Shinobu was preparing dinner while Sara and Kaora were no doubt off exploring some undiscovered region underground.

Motoko sighed inwardly and decided to go into her room to relax for a while.

As she sat there, meditating, she was transported to another world where there were no worries whatsoever…

But she opened her eyes.  Lately, she had felt that something was missing; an important component essential for a complete life.  Because of it, her practices with her katana had become abnormal, maybe even…tiresome?  But she couldn't be…_degenerating_.  The word brought back Kikuko's reverberating voice into her mind.  She always seemed to be telling Motoko that her skills were growing weaker because of distractions.  Men.  Especially the one she was living with.  But Motoko had once personally accessed her relationship with Keitaro.  There was only the mutual, I-don't-touch-you, you-don't-touch-me feeling between them.  The blushing at first meeting him was nothing more than the embarrassment of having a man talk to her or even…_look_ at her …when I only had a towel covering me!.  Absolutely nothing more.  She then once thought that it was Seta-san that might have provoked such feelings, but it was just the fact that he was a (slightly!) better fighter that she.  It was true what Kikuko said, that she hadn't trained with men before, but she really did feel power when…when…

"Is this where it ends up?!"  Kaora popped up right from under Motoko.  Motoko, in the meantime, was thrown up into the air, millimeters short of the ceiling.  Sara them popped up beside Kaora, holding up a blueprint of Hinata-Sou.

Motoko's face was red, her sword out of its sheath. "KAORA!!"

~*~

End Part I

_Motoko looked around herself.  She stood in the middle of an open field, the wind changing direction frequently, so that her clothes whipped about her.  She was somewhere she had never seen before, but it somehow felt familiar.  The knee-high grass around her also whipped about, their shade of green lightening and darkening according to Motoko's position and wind direction.  The grass stretched as far as the eye could see; the sky: a perfect baby blue.  Motoko stretched out a hand and the dancing grass played between her fingers.  Where am I? she thought, but the words echoed in the wind, carrying them near or far away.  Then, a single peach-colored rose appeared to the right of her.  She walked towards it, and watched, mesmerized, as it too swayed with the undecided wind.  After what seemed like an eternity, she slowly reached out with her right hand to grasp it.  But her fingers pricked; her hand fell away sharply.  A drop of deep red blood was on a petal.  She could not take her eyes off it when it started to drop, ever so slowly, into the sea of green beneath the flower…_

…and suddenly, Motoko awoke, now fully aware that she was snuggled in her bed, her hair unbound and recklessly spread about, covering her pillow.  She stared at the ceiling, the bizarre dream still replaying in her mind.  Unlike any other dream she had, she couldn't forget this one.  The vividness…the color…something pained her fore- and middle finger.  She pulled then from under the covers, aghast when she saw a small white spot on each.

~*~

"Good morning, Motoko-chan! Did you have a good sleep?"  Shinobu's face shone in the light, her hands clasped before her.

"Yes, thank you, Shinobu." She sat down in her place, realizing that she was the last one up.

"Motoko-chan?" Keitaro asked tentatively.

"What?" Motoko abruptly bit back on the harsh tone, but Keitaro was back looking down at his food.

*So she still has a problem with Keitaro…* Kitsune looked from Keitaro's face to Motoko's.

"We have all been worried about you.  You just don't seem much…yourself." Kitsune waited for a reply.

Motoko cleared her throat.  "I'm fine, Kitsune, thank you…it's just that…some _personal_ things have been on my mind lately.  Sorry if I worried you all." She went back to eating.

~*~

The breakfast was a tense silence all the way through.  All through it, Shinobu whimpered inwardly, wondering if it was the food that was making everyone in a bad mood.  But everything was eaten, so the fears in her subsided.  For the last hour, she had been doodling in her notebook, unconsciously drawing anything that came to mind.  She thought of maybe asking Keitaro to help critique her drawings, but she was afraid. **But of what?  …Of coming between him and Naru…that's what** She viciously closed her book, and her eyes wandered to look out her window.  From here she could see Motoko practicing.  Her thoughts wandering back to the event of Motoko's first kiss with Kaora's invention of a mechanical head with cherries for a tongue.  **I wonder who's going to give her her second…**

~*~

End Part II

Up. Down. Up. _Down. Up. _DOWN!  Motoko stopped briefly to use a cloth to wipe her sweat away.  She massaged her upper arms, sighing in frustration.  She had never been this tired before, and she hated to think that her strength was waning.  She thought back to her strange dream, and felt the tickle of the grass on her fingertips once again.  What exactly does it mean? Something felt like this must have some kind of meaning! She almost felt helpless.  Her practices weren't like they used to be, she couldn't figure out her feelings, and now this dream…this dream that drove her utterly insane for a coherent explanation.  But she knew that all these were connected.  If only she could find the missing piece!  The one thing that had evaded her all this time, the one thing that would save her from her own eventual mental destruction.  Her mind focused on every possible symbol in that dream.  The grass.  The sky.  The wind.  And above all, the rose and the blood.  Motoko, you are in control…so why in the world are you thinking like this?!

~*~

End Chapter I

More to come!

:Þ


	2. A Strange Encounter...

Here ya go, chapter 2: Déjà Vu

Motoko woke up with the sun, shivering in the cold as she always did each early morning.  She stretched briefly and yawned, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.  Another morning of practice… she paused by her doorway before going out, shivering harder as the cold of the outside air invaded her body.  She would eventually become warm, anyway.

Two hours later, Motoko sat in her room drinking hot tea prepared by Shinobu especially for her every morning.  She always took this time to think about what she was going to do.  There hadn't been any reports of evil spirits for a long while, so she decided to do a little exploring in a lightly forested area. Maybe that would give me time to think… A small gulp of hot tea traveled its way down her throat, warming every part of her body.

"Breakfast is ready!" came the yell that startled Motoko for a moment.  She sighed, and made her way down.

"I'm _BORED!_" was the first thing she heard.  It was Sara.

"We've been under and all around Hinata-Sou…I think we've been practically everywhere!" wailed Kaora.

"Then you've obviously never been under the city's tunnels." Haruka said in her monotone voice, cigarette in mouth, despite the fact that she was drinking tea.  She was reading the paper, and obviously wanted the two out of Hinata-Sou while she cleaned.

"CITY TUNNELS?!" Both girls jumped up from their chairs and ran out the door.  

Naru watched them go and shook her head.  "Next thing you know, the paper's headlines will be saying something about two little girls seen running into the city reservoir."  She stood from her chair and began to clear her area. "Well, I'm off to continue studying…you coming Keitaro?"

"How about you, Motoko…are you doing anything this afternoon?" Kitsune took a sip to her tea…or was it sake?

"I think…I'm going to go explore the countryside today.  There hasn't been much to do lately…"

Haruka nodded, and Kitsune looked at her through those slit eyes.  Many times Motoko found herself wandering what was behind those eyes, but she got used to it after a while.  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Shinobu watching her.  She quickly cleared her place also and headed to her room.

~*~

End Part I

Spring is close to coming… She descended the steps from the city and entered rural country.  Wrapped in her thoughts and wishing for warmer clothing, she didn't notice where she was going.  Seeing a small path winding into an area of trees, she decided to follow it.  The path gradually grew thinner and less distinct, until she was standing in the midst of grass, almost like that of her strange dream.  She looked around herself, and with evident surprise, saw a familiar figure sitting on a rock.  Motoko stood in the middle of a clearing, surrounded by trees on all sides.  Briefly she wondered how to get back out, but the thought was driven from her mind.  The figure's back was to her, but from her short hair, Motoko could almost make out who it was.  To Motoko, the image seemed surreal: an unknown figure sitting on a rock, with her standing a mere five feet from her.  

Before Motoko could do anything, the figure slowly turned, as if it had sensed her presence.

"Motoko-sempai?!" In Kikuko's hand was a flower.

"Ki-Kikuko…this is a surprise…" Motoko flustered.

"I'm just looking around…thinking…what—what are you doing here?" The flower, previously held to her face, dropped down to her lap, her hand still on the stem.

"I'm…also looking around…" Motoko wondered why she felt so awkward.

"Do you sense an evil spirit?" Kikuko looked at her hard, unlike the younger girls of the group who would have ran and clung to her.

"No…I just came to…look…" She mentally slapped herself What is _wrong_ with me?!

The flower was brought up from Kikuko's lap and twirled between her fingers.  She was looking down at it, as if she was contemplating on something.  Motoko was about the turn around and walk off when Kikuko exclaimed, "Motoko-sempai!" 

She focused on Kikuko's face. "Eh?"

"How…how are your practices?"

Motoko winced.  It always seemed that Kikuko knew exactly what was wrong with her.  "My practices have been…a little…tiring…but I'll be OK…"

Kikuko nodded. "I'm sure it's just something to do with the weather that makes the joints sore…I'm sure you'll solve whatever the problem is…you always do."

Motoko had no time to contemplate those last three words because Kikuko had suddenly walked up to her.  Kikuko looked up at Motoko, silent for a while.  Then she thrust the flower into her hands, and walked off, not looking back.

Motoko watched her walk off, confusion and questions popping everywhere in her mind.  Just then, a gust of wind blew past her, and the fragile petals of the flower blew away along with it.

~*~ 

End Part II

Kikuko half walked, half ran to her room at the inn she stayed in.  When she finally reached it, she closed the door and leaned against it, breathing deeply for air.  After she began to breathe normally, she walked towards a shelf and brought out a heavy book.  She opened it, and flipped through it until she found the desired page.  In the book contained various pictures of the girls with Motoko in the center.  In each picture, Kikuko was in the background.  Though she half smiled in each picture, she could see in her own eyes that there was something else there.  No matter how many times she looked at those pictures, she could never understand what was in her own face.  The only thing she saw in those pictures was Motoko's almost smiling face, and the adoring grins of the others as the scrambled to Motoko's side for the picture.

It never made sense to me…why I always fell back… She glanced at the newest addition of pictures, the one taken at the festival.  She saw the brown teddy bear grasped in her arms, barely visible above the heads of the other girls.  Everything else in the picture seemed to fade as she compared her face to Motoko's…the same half smile they each wore…it meant more than Kikuko could imagine.

She slammed the book closed and laid her hands and chin upon it, sighing.  Finding herself almost falling asleep, she got up, and walked to the bedroom.  The bedroom clock said [9:32 PM].  She flopped on the bed, looking at the ceiling, feeling the familiar feeling of sadness take over her mind.

I'm throwing every possible feeling that I have away.  The other girls…they all want to be like her…they admire and adore her…how do I compete with all that…how can I _possibly_?  They're growing closer and closer, and I'm…I'm growing farther and farther away.  What am I thinking?  I never meant anything to her…just a nagging voice that wouldn't stop talking about her degenerating.  I'm only that to her…Motoko-sempai… With that last thought, she fell asleep, as two tears rolled down her cheeks.

End Chapter II


	3. The Peach-Colored Rose

Chapter 3

Motoko had gotten back to Hinata-Sou at five o' clock.  She had taken a long walk to try to piece her mind together.  These past few weeks' events…they confused her more than anything else had.  Things weren't going her way anymore.  Weakly, she sat on her mat, almost falling over in dizziness.  Her mind swirled.  The things in her room seemed to move on their own.  She tried to steady herself; found that she was sitting firmly on her mat, but…what was happening?  She heard the faint sound of someone entering her room, but before she could react, she felt a hand on her shoulder, steadying her.  She heard a soft, tender voice.

"Motoko-chan?"

For some reason, the images stopped swirling in her eyes; her breathing became more normal.  

"Motoko-chan…are you OK?"  Shinobu's worried voice finally penetrated the cloud of dizziness.  She stopped swaying; the dizziness finally passed.

"Shinobu…?" she asked weakly, slowly opening her eyes.

"Yes…I'm here…"

"I felt…dizzy…"

"Would you like me to make you tea?  I could get it now…"

"No…Shinobu…-chan"

Shinobu heard something urgent in Motoko's voice and listened.

"Motoko…?" Motoko still had a pained expression on her face, as if the light in the room hurt her eyes.

"Shinobu…have you…noticed something different about me?"

Not wanting to lie, Shinobu answered hesitantly, "Yes…I've noticed that you seem to be thinking of something every time I look at you.  Is there something troubling you?"

"Yes," Motoko looked away. "Shinobu…have you ever had the feeling that…you're missing something important in your life?  Like if you didn't find what it was, then everything starts to fall apart?"

Shinobu regarded her with confused eyes, but then remembered her feelings for Keitaro.

"Yes." Motoko looked at her, surprised. "Every time I look at Naru and Keitaro together.  I am missing my courage, every time I see him with her.  It's like I'm throwing my feelings away.  Just for her…while she's giving up nothing."  It was Shinobu's turn to look away.  Motoko could see a tear slowly travel its way down Shinobu's cheek.  But Shinobu wiped it away, as if she resented shedding it.  She suddenly moved forward and took Motoko's hands into her own.  "Please…don't tell Urashima or Naru-sempai…" Numbly, Motoko felt herself nod.

"I won't tell them…" She suddenly felt like a child, telling a friend that she would keep a secret.

"I don't know…I feel like I'm missing something, but it's not a _thing_, it's…a _feeling_.  It seems that it affects everything I do…I can't practice without feeling something different, I can't even eat without thinking about it.  I think there must be something wrong with me."  Her hands remained in Shinobu's.  She seemed mesmerized by their shape, their feel, and was snapped out of it when Shinobu asked, "Motoko-chan?"

"Nani?…oh…" She shook her head.  "Never mind."

Shinobu let her go, and stood up.

"Arigatou…for listening," she said, and left.

~*~

End Part I

_Kikuko held Keitaro, nearly strangling him.  'You and I both have the same fate.  We are both destined to die without having loved someone!'  And then, she raised her katana, and yelled, 'Shinmei Ryu: Zan ma Ken-Ni no Tachi!' and expelled the demon from Kikuko's body.  Kikuko opened her eyes wide, then suddenly let go of Keitaro, and looked as if nothing had happened._

_No…I do _not_ share the same destiny…there is someone…close…that cares…someone…_

An image of full-grown peach-colored roses was the last thing Motoko saw before she woke up.  Motoko's body had twitched suddenly, and she sat up, gasping for breath.

"Kikuko?" she whispered into the empty air.

~*~

Motoko could clearly smell the scent of the tea as a cup was set before her.  But Shinobu didn't leave immediately as she always did each morning.  She seemed to be…waiting for something.  Motoko sighed inwardly, figuring she wanted assurance that she wouldn't tell Keitaro or Naru what she had said to her.  Indeed, Motoko was surprised to find Kitsune instead, standing over her.

"Ki…Kitsune?!" Motoko leaned back, half expecting Kitsune to lean forward with her smug smile.  But instead, Kitsune sat down, just as Shinobu did, opposite Motoko.

Has she gone insane?!  What's going on?!

Kitsune sipped at her cup slowly, her eyes opened just a little; taking in the decorations in Motoko's room.

"This room; it fits your personality perfectly: neat, straightforward…powerful."  She took another sip slowly; closing her eyes.  Motoko was left with nothing else to do besides ask, "what was it you wanted to talk about?"

Kitsune smiled, but Motoko didn't know if it was because of her confusion or because of the tea.  Motoko _was_ confused, and she absolutely hated not knowing something.

"Your practices have become shorter, I noticed…" Kitsune began.

She noticed?! Well, if _she_ noticed, then that means everyone else might have noticed…!

"Any reason why?'

"It's…really none of your business…"

"Understood…" Kitsune nodded, "but what if I said I could probably help you?"

Motoko froze. "What…?"

"Tell me…when did you first feel weaker?"

Motoko winced at the word, but she answered anyway. "I guess…after I defeating the demon on that island, but…"

"And what did you think the reason was?"

"I thought it was because I had used Shinmei Ryu…I thought I must've taken a lot of my ki away…to make me weaker temporarily…"

"That was quite a while ago…"

"Yes…I know."

"Tell me again…why were you finally able to do it…the attack I mean."

"Because…I think because I finally realized that something like love could be powerful…it didn't have to make me weaker…"

"Ahh…" Kitsune nodded understandingly, then took another sip of tea.  "Is it possible…" she paused, "that if was Kikuko that was possessed have anything to do with it?"

"I don't understand why that would make a differ—."Motoko gasped.  Kitsune's smile disappeared and her mouth was slightly open.  Everything…all of it is coming together: the rose, the dreams, the weakness…and everything is finally connected…_SOLVED._

Motoko hastily left the room, abandoning her teacup.  Kitsune stood up, and leaned against the sliding door frame, smiling.

~*~

End Part II

Spring had come.  Everywhere, colors were bursting onto the scene.  But Motoko had no time to look around.  It would almost seem that she didn't know where to go, but somehow, her feet followed her heart.  The silent flip-flop of her sandals and her breathing were the only things she heard.  People walking that morning watched as a figure ran through the streets and to the small area of forestry.  To them, Motoko was just a passing blur, nothing to pay much attention to.  They were all enjoying the scenery around them instead.  Motoko found the small path again, almost missing it.  But today, her feet were faster than her eyes.  They automatically stopped where she made her way into the clearing.  She saw the rock, but there was no one else there.

At first, Motoko was too stunned to realize it.  She just stood there for nearly two minutes.

She didn't notice the footsteps behind her.

"The rose seems to be the symbol for many love stories."  Motoko spun around.  The voice continued, its face obscured by the shadows of the trees. "The man always brings a rose for the woman…it symbolizes a love shared by two people.  How funny it is that it is different in this case."

"This…case?"

The figure stepped forward.  Motoko squinted, trying to see whom it was exactly.  But she already heard the voice, so she wasn't too surprised when Kikuko's face came into view.

"The rose…" Kikuko gestured at a bunch to her right. "Many have noticed the irony between its beauty and the thorns.  But not many have understood the symbolism.  People trim them off when they give it to someone they love, like they don't even matter.  But they do."

"It's the pain that one must go through before seeing the true love." Motoko answered, unconsciously.

Kikuko nodded, almost shyly. "Hai." She looked over to the roses, contemplating about something.

"How did you know I would be here?" Motoko asked.

"I didn't…I simply…followed my heart."

No one said anything for a while.  Then, both girls spoke at the same time. "Motoko-sempai—" "Kikuko—"

"Hai?" Kikuko whispered, walking up to Motoko.

"That night…when Naru was possessed by that demon…and then you were possessed…I don't know why I was able to do the attack…I think…it was because there was something in my heart that I didn't realize…my feelings for you…"

Kikuko's heart jumped.  She had been waiting for those words…for so long.  She was afraid for a moment; that she wasn't ready for them.  But her heart gave her a little push, and that was all she needed to fall into Motoko's arms.  "No more thorns," she whispered.  She closed her eyes, feeling a warmth wash over her.  Spring had come.

~*~

End Chapter 3

THE END

Hope that was lovely… : Þ


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